Christmas Movie #2: Santa Girl

"Fleeing the family business and an arranged marriage, Santa’s daughter chooses a magical adventure of her own: College.”

Cassandra Claus is Santa’s only daughter.  She’s a teenager.  She is slated to take over the family business this year.  And she is scheduled to marry Jack Frost, Jr., around the same time, so that the Kringles and Frosts can merge the family businesses.  This is an arranged marriage and the two teenagers have never met.  Cassie is not super into it, but she understands she has family responsibilities.

Cassie is dragged out of bed by her assigned elf slave, Pep.  She eats candy for breakfast and whines.  I would probably whine, too, if an elf yelled me out of bed in the morning.  This is around August.

Pep has delivered Cassie some mail with her breakfast tray.  What’s this?  Cassie got into college in The Real World!  She is so excited because she really wants a chance to meet regular people and make friends.  She isn’t sure how to break it to her dad (he doesn’t know she applied) and Pep isn’t optimistic about her being able to go.  She has to take over the biz, after all.  Cassie isn’t all that hopeful about her chances, either.   

We meet Santa, who is walking down the hall barking orders at elves who say things like, “Got it, S.C.!”  I gather the biz is run from the same compound where they live (gigantic castle, North Pole).  Santa is a handsome Barry Bostwick with a trimmed beard and bright blue eyes, wearing a businessman suit.  Did you think it would be a Santa suit?  Those aren’t for everyday!

I enjoy the introduction of Larry Tooth Fairy (from the Kingdom of Dentalia), who “flies” across the room but it looks like he’s being slowly pulled around by his collar or something.  We get a shot of his toes dragging on the floor like he’s being hoisted out of there by a bouncer. 

Anyway, moving on.  Cassie asks her dad if she can go to college.  He says no way.  But later on he changes his mind and says okay, she can go to college for one semester, but at Christmas she has to come back and marry Jack Frost, Jr., and take over the business.  Also, he says Pep has to go with her.  I’m sure no one at school will notice those ears.  Cassie is thrilled!  Clothes-changing montage ensues as she tries to decide what to wear as a college girl.  She does try on this one cute sweater from H&M that I have had my eye on.  She’s selling me on it.      

I hope this doesn’t sound patronizing, but I appreciate that Cassie looks like a “normal” 18-year old girl.  I mean, of course she’s extra pretty, but she has a round face and dresses like an actual teenager and not like an Instagram influencer.  I am buying the actress as a regular (weird) girl.

Morgenstern?

Cassie and Pep are crossing the quad at college when Cassie gets bonked in the head with a frisbee.  You know how college guys are always frisbee-ing or footballing on the quads.  She is lying on the ground, dazed, and we see Pep and a cute blonde guy leaning over her to make sure she’s okay.  As soon as he introduces himself as J.R. …  OMG. IT. IS. SO. OBVIOUS.  He is going to turn out to be Jack Frost, Jr.  J.R.?  Junior?  I am so annoyed by this transparent plot line and simultaneously impressed by my own mystery-solving skills but then I remind myself that this movie is rated PG and I need to get a grip. 

Cassie, of course, just assumes it’s a guy named J.R. because she is not a professional detective like I am.  They hang out together for a little while, check out campus, buy their books.  While they’re in line at the book store, they’re behind a guy who is freaking out that he can’t buy his books because his financial aid hasn’t come through and he has no money.  (Then why did you get in line?)  Cassie bops over and pays for his books, $500 in cash.  Everyone is shocked by this but she is naïve and doesn’t know that normal people don’t typically do this kind of thing.  She has made a new friend.  His name is Sam.

There are some scenes where Cassie tries to figure out how to fit in, including this dumb bit where she doesn’t know what a cell phone is.  You mean to tell me her father runs an international corporation from their house and she has never come across a cell phone?  Never saw one on TV or the internet?  Seems implausible. 

Anyway, as time goes on it becomes clear that both Sam and J.R. are vying for her affection.  She tells them both that she is spoken for by someone at home, and refers to each of them as “just friends,” multiple times. 

One day, J.R. gets a visit on campus from his father, Jack Frost.  Is Jack Frost usually a bad guy?  He is scary in this movie.  He tells J.R. to keep an eye on Cassie, which I guess J.R. was already doing, but I don’t know what he’s supposed to be watching for.  Cassie’s pretty much straight and narrow.  Maybe Senior doesn’t want her to fall in love with Sam.  I also don’t get why J.R. doesn’t just tell Cassie who he is.  She does like him, and he seems to like her, and they could get to know each other better like normal people.  Maybe he’s already gone too far down a road of lies to make that work. 

Sam is relentless.  He won’t stop asking Cassie out even though she keeps demurring.  It’s supposed to be romantic, but Sam is starting to make my stalker alarm go off.

Jack Frost shows up again on campus, and this time he gives Sam $500 to keep an eye on Cassie.  Why does he keep lurking around campus?  He really wants to make sure this merger happens, but I don’t see why he’s so worried, since Cassie has always said she’d honor her family responsibilities.

New question: Why does Santa even want to merge the family business with the Frosts?  What does Jack Frost bring to the table?  Unclear.

Finally, one day Cassie is like, look, Sam, I am not available because Santa is my dad and I have to be in charge of Christmas starting in December.  There.  Are you happy?  Sam thinks she’s making a joke and insulting his intelligence and storms off.  He tells this to Jack Frost Senior, for some reason, and then Senior makes a meme of Cassie and sends it to all the students and Cassie is mortified.  I know that sentence is confusing but it wasn’t that interesting and I need to keep this moving. 

Cassie agrees to go to the winter ball with J.R. even though she kind of likes Sam better.  Sam and his man bun are moping around and playing pool when Pep bursts in to the pool hall and shrieks at him to pursue true love and "GO GET HER!”  Why won't anyone leave Cassie alone?  She said she's not available like 100 times.  Let the woman be, for Pete's sake.

At the dance, J.R. tells Cassie that he has to tell her something:  He is Jack Frost, Jr., and he really does like her now.  He gets down on one knee.  Cassie is surprised, but says yes, because she honors her family.  She goes back to the North Pole and gets ready to be married.

Santa figures out that Cassie is bummed about losing Sam and decides to go down to the Real World to talk to the young man.  He magicks himself down to the college, intimidates Sam a little and then throws the Kringle-Frost contract Sam’s way and tells him to “find a loophole” (because Sam is studying law) while they travel to the North Pole to stop the wedding and release Cassie from her duties.  Then they hop into Santa’s sports car and fly up to the North Pole like the flying car at the end of Grease. 

By the way, Mrs. Claus is no longer with us.  She died when Cassie was little.  It’s implied that Santa is feeling sentimental and all “this is what her mother would have wanted for her,” etc., when he goes to get Sam.  I wonder how Mrs. Claus died.  

Meanwhile, back at the North Pole, everyone is waiting for the wedding to begin.  There are fairies (Larry Tooth Fairy is there), leprechauns and elves in attendance.  Cassie and Junior don’t look thrilled, but they’re all dressed up and ready to go.  Jack Frost Senior is really getting ticked off at the delay.  He commands that the wedding begin without the father of the bride.  Cassie walks down the aisle and is standing there with Junior when Santa and Sam bust into the proceedings, waving the contract and causing a ruckus.  Sam found a loophole and the contract is voided.  Cassie is like, “Junior, is it okay if we don’t get married?  I want to travel!” and he’s all, “Heck yeah, peace out, I’m only 18, I don’t want to get married!”  Sam and Cassie kiss.  The End.

Would Meredith enjoy this:  Maybe.  It has the feel of a Disney movie, and has some nice ball gowns.  However, there is not one single cool or nice girl in this whole movie.  Cassie’s okay, but she never really makes any girlfriends and the girls she comes across in college are awful.  Her guy friends keep secrets from her, and even Santa is kind of a jerk sometimes (he lectures people – women -- on cutting carbs more than once).  I don’t love that journey for Meredith.

Would Mary Louise enjoy this:  I doubt it.